This is part 1 of a 3 part series. Click here for part 2 and click here for part 3.
Are you a nice person and exhausted from others dumping their needs on you?
Are you busy trying to do your best in life and get some of your own personal needs met?
Working hard at work, being a good partner, being a kind and caring parent, trying to get in some self-care such as getting to the gym or read a great book …. and the other 100’s of things on your to-do list to meet your own goals. Most of this you do yourself because you are kind and don’t want to burden others with your issues. So you are the type of person that doesn’t ask much from others
Minding your own business, you suddenly get slammed. Someone with a lack of emotional boundaries (also referred to as “Emotional Vampires”) thinks that you are their personal dumping ground. And this can happen anywhere:
- At work, a fellow partner makes snide remarks such as “it must be nice to leave early.” You have been in the office since before the crack of dawn so you can make your son’s soccer game but the comment hits you hard and has you questioning your professionalism.
- At work, a client calls that is having a bad day and decides to tell you all about it. He feels better you feel drained. He is your client after all, and you want to help, of course, so you take on some of the responsibility of how to fix this for him. However, he is fee conscious and you’re not sure you can bill for the fix or even the call you just took.
- At home your mom calls (again) to tell you all the negative things she has observed today. She thinks she is just discussing facts, you feel like you were hit in the gut with a baseball bat (again). But you are the only one she says she can talk to. That’s because she has pissed everyone else off in her life and now you are her sole emotional supporter.
- At a social event, a friend comes sees you and runs over to give you the 12th update on their bad relationship and asks you what to do about it. You have listened and given her advice the other 11 times but she hasn’t taken any action. You start to think, she just likes the drama of her life and you start avoiding events she might be at.
- You are casually dating and meet Mr. Maybe who proceeds to proclaim his love for you in the second week and wants to know when you will be reciprocating this. You don’t want to hurt him as he has many other good qualities, so you rationalize this neediness away and continue dating and feeling pressured.
I have experienced all of the above and so have my coaching clients. And that’s why one of the first things we always work on is getting them to set stronger boundaries. Why? Because “Givers have to set boundaries because takers never will.”
If you are experiencing any of these:
- the feeling of being drained
- taken off personal focus
- lack of productivity
- feeling somehow you are inadequate
- feelings of anger, resentment or loss of hope
Then it may be time to start setting some stronger boundaries. For the nice person setting boundaries can be especially hard. Therefore I have created a 7 step method called STANDUP that my clients have found helpful.
| S | Stop Taking Responsibility for Stuff that’s Not Yours |
| T | Think: Is This In Line With My Values and Goals |
| A | Accept: Decide What Behaviors You Will Accept and Which Ones You Will Not |
| N | Non-Emotional Communication of New Boundaries and Consequences |
| D | Demand of Yourself to Be Prepared For Pushback and Violations |
| U | Use Your Voice to Call Others on Boundary Violations Right Away |
| P | Plan Ahead By Creating Rules for Yourself Where Possible |
- Stop Taking Responsibility for Stuff That’s Not Yours
Other people crises do not have to become your crisis. Empathetic people feel for the other person and often take on the responsibility for what is happening to them without even knowing they are doing it. So when faced with someone who is dumping their problem on you stop and ask first ask this question: “What percentage of this is my responsibility? Start to be conscious of what is and is not your responsibility. And in your head, start repeating to yourself, “Not my circus, not my monkeys.”
Once you do that, then you will want to move onto Step 2 of my 7 Step Method for Nice People to Set Boundaries which I will outline in the next blog post.
If you want a complete PDF of this series with a helpful Form to complete all 7 Steps you can jump over and download one at http://professionalcoachingcompany.com/tools/
My request to you:
If you give these steps a try, I would love to hear back from you. I would love to know:
- How did they work for you?
- What didn’t work for you?
- Do you need help completing or implementing the steps?
Sometimes nice people need more support to stand up for themselves. Email me at anita@professionalcoachingcompany.com if you need a sounding board or some courage to actually stand up to that person who is dumping their needs on you. I am here for you. My goal is to make sure nice people get to get their needs met too.
This is part 1 of a 3 part series. Click here for part 2 and click here for part 3.