This is part 2 of a 3 part series. Click here for part 1 and click here for part 3
In my last blog post, I outlined specific situations where nice people were allowing themselves to be dumped on and the resulting energy drain such as :
At work, a fellow partner makes snide remarks such as “it must be nice to leave early.” You have been in the office since before the crack of dawn so you can make your son’s soccer game, but the comment hits you hard and has you questioning your professionalism.
I then outlined my “7 Step Method for Nice People to Set Boundaries” called STANDUP:
| S | Stop Taking Responsibility for Stuff that’s Not Yours |
| T | Think: Is This In Line With My Values and Goals |
| A | Accept: Decide What Behaviors You Will Accept and Which Ones You Will Not |
| N | Non-Emotional Communication of New Boundaries and Consequences |
| D | Demand of Yourself to Be Prepared For Pushback and Violations |
| U | Use Your Voice to Call Others on Boundary Violations Right Away |
| P | Plan Ahead By Creating Rules for Yourself Where Possible |
In that post, I explained Step 1. Stop Taking Responsibility for Stuff that’s Not Yours. But how, you ask? Let’s continue to Step 2.
2. Think: Is This In Line With My Values and Goals
Until you know what is important to you, you will let what is important to others overtake your time and energy. Have you ever been working on a hard deadline that has to be met (such as tax returns that are due tomorrow) and easily put off people to meet that deadline? Goals based on your values are like that. They become hard deadlines for yourself.
For instance, if you are clear you value:
- Family, then it’s easier to say no to working more overtime
- Productivity, then it is easier to say no to interruptions
- Self-Respect, then it is easier to stand up to bullies
- Ease, then its easier to remember to stop making it so hard
We all have many competing values so it is important to know your top 8-10. These will help you define the changes you need to make to honor those values.
Many of my clients also value “Compassion” and want to be seen and remembered as a compassionate person. However, these same people ask me “How can I be compassionate and still not end up dead”. I remind them that they have to take a big-picture view of compassion. That they will not be judged over their lifetime on each individual request. And remind them that they will also not always be judged fairly by those that dump. So they need to stand back and look at each request. First, acknowledge that they have been very compassionate over their lifetime. And then see how this request fits in based on where they are at the moment based on their list of values, goal, and needs.
3. Accept: Decide What Behaviors You Will Accept and Which Ones You Will Not
This will depend on each person and the circumstance. And remember that it’s important to win the war, not just one battle, so you also have to know when and where you will bend the rules.
Look at the drain on your energy that this particular event is creating and make a decision on what behavior from others you will and won’t accept.
For the client that calls and dumps on you: Next time they call as soon as they go into their story. Stop them right there (yes interrupt them) and tell them that while you appreciate the severity of the issue you first need to know what they need from you on this issue before they continue. And also remind them of your hourly rate and check with them to make sure they are ok being charged for this call. Let them tell you and hear it. If they just need a sounding board say great and listen without taking on the responsibility. If they need a solution from you say I would love to help you but you need to pull back some of the emotion so I can focus on the facts to be able to help you.
For the mom that calls to dump her negative view of the world on you: The next time they call when it’s not a good time for you, don’t pick it up. When it is a good time, call them back and start the conversation with Hi Mom, sorry saw you called but I couldn’t pick up. I really appreciate that you need to talk to me about things but I’m really busy until 6 pm. I want to give you my full attention so how about I call you at 6 pm Monday and Thursday nights. Also, I understand that you are stressed about how the world works but I can’t fix it. I have my own stresses and letting you know I will stay on the phone as long as the conversation is upbeat and healthy for me. If you head into the negative talk I am going to be saying goodbye. I love you, mom. Now, what did you want to tell me?
For the friend that keeps dumping their relationship drama on you: Next time she calls or approaches you at a party. Say hi and see where the conversation is going? If she brings up the same issue again say “I am so sorry you are going through this. Have you read that book I recommended about dealing with difficult relationships?” If they say no. Say, well you keep coming to me for advice and then when I give it you don’t follow it. I can’t help you if your not willing to take action and help yourself and I because I am a good friend I am no longer going to enable you to not take action here. If you would like to talk about what your next steps are going to be to solve this I would love to talk about your relationship, if not I am going to ask you to move to another topic.
For Mr. Needy Maybe: During the next conversation in which they push you into a corner needing to know your feelings or when you will be having feelings? Tell them that this relationship is too new for you to really know him yet and if this is required then for you the relationship is over. Trust your intuition here, if you are feeling too pressured right in the beginning and it bothers you, then be clear that you will walk away right now. No matter what other good qualities this person has, this will not get better. He will be hurt either way. If you leave now or you leave in 2 months when you really can’t stand it.
For the partner who throws snide comments (the bully): When he throws the next one be prepared. Smile and say. Yes, it is nice to be leaving early as I planned it this way when I came in at 6 am. Are you aware that when you make comments like that you are questioning my work ethic? Is that what you are trying to do? Then stop talking and be silent for as long as it takes for him to respond. If you get a, “No, I’m just kidding or pulling your leg” type of response, then reply with, “Well, it’s not funny to me and I ask that you don’t do it again.” Most bullies when called on their behavior will stop. If not, do it again next time he makes a comment. Again, requesting non-emotionally that he stop this behavior and walk away. Do not feel bad. He doesn’t.
You have to come up with a clear consequence for their ignoring your request. And you must be prepared to take that action you told them you would if they continue their bad behavior.
Again, there may be a circumstance where you will bend the rules such as your mom was in an accident and need to call you right now. Deal with each interaction and unless it is a true emergency then hold your ground first.
4. Non-Emotional Communication of New Boundaries and Consequences
The first rule in dealing with these people without emotional boundaries is to not be emotional yourself. If what they said has made you emotional take yourself to a quiet place and pull yourself together. If you have to, make a non-emotional excuse to hang up or leave the space where the interaction is occurring.
- Sorry I have another call coming in that I have to take
- Sorry I have to get to a meeting or dentist appointment (something with a deadline)
- Sorry hold that thought, I really have to go talk to Bob over there as he has been looking for me.
When you return the call or see that person again:
Use the examples up in #3 and state clearly what you will and will not accept as behavior.
Tell them the consequence of what will happen (what you will do) if they violate your clear request.
Don’t promise or commit to anything they want. Hold your ground. If necessary, end the call or visit nicely and give them time to process the whole thing. You have acted differently than ever before. Some of them are going to try to drag you into a conversation with comments such as:
“What wrong with you? This was never an issue before.”
“You take things too seriously”
“Well, I thought you were my friend”
“ Well! Is that any way to treat your mother?”
You are changing your behavior and not allowing them to continue their bad behavior. They are not going to like it at all. Answer all they say with a kind reply and remove yourself from the conversation as quickly as possible. Do not feel bad, they don’t for dumping on you.
Once you have completed the above you will want to move onto Step 5 of my 7 Step Method for Nice People to Set Boundaries which I will outline in the next blog post.
If you want a complete PDF of this series with a helpful form to complete all 7 Steps you can jump over and download one at http://professionalcoachingcompany.com/tools/
My request to you:
- How did they work for you?
- What didn’t work for you?
- Do you need help completing or implementing the steps?
Sometimes nice people need more support to stand up for themselves. Email me at anita@professionalcoachingcompany.com if you need a sounding board or some courage to actually stand up to that person who is dumping their needs on you. I am here for you. My goal is to make sure nice people get to get their needs met too.
This is part 2 of a 3 part series. Click here for part 1 and click here for part 3