This is part 3 of a 3 part series. Click here for part 1 and click here for part 2.
In my first blog post of this series, I outlined specific situations where nice people were allowing themselves to be dumped on and the resulting energy drain such as:
At work, a client calls that is having a bad day and decides to tell you all about it. He feels better — you feel drained. He is your client after all, and you want to help, of course, so you take on some of the responsibility of how to fix this for him. However, he is fee conscious and you’re not sure you can bill for the fix or even the call you just took.
At home your mom calls (again) to tell you all the negative things she has observed today. She thinks she is just discussing facts, you feel like you were hit in the gut with a baseball bat (again). But, you are the only one she says she can talk to. That’s because she has pissed everyone else off in her life and now you are her sole emotional supporter.
I then outlined my 7 Step Method for Nice People to Set Boundaries:
| S | Stop Taking Responsibility for Stuff that’s Not Yours |
| T | Think: Is This In Line With My Values and Goals |
| A | Accept: Decide What Behaviors You Will Accept and Which Ones You Will Not |
| N | Non-Emotional Communication of New Boundaries and Consequences |
| D | Demand of Yourself to Be Prepared For Pushback and Violations |
| U | Use Your Voice to Call Others on Boundary Violations Right Away |
| P | Plan Ahead By Creating Rules for Yourself Where Possible |
and outlined Step 1. Stop Taking Responsibility for Stuff that’s Not Yours
In the second blog post of this series, I outlined Steps 2 through 4.
After you complete step 4, you are ready to move to Step 5.
5. Demand of Yourself to Be Prepared For Pushback and Violations
Nice people tend to avoid conflict at all costs. This where you have to know that you are not respecting yourself when you don’t stand up for yourself. This is also where you need to be strong to re-train people to interact with you according to your rules. Isn’t it better to deal with the issue and the person and keep them in your life in a way you both benefit from the relationship, then go around avoiding them and they don’t know why? As for dating, cutting them out is sometimes necessary so both of you can move on to find someone who is a better match for both of you. You are actually helping the other person move on as even keeping them in the friend zone will keep them waiting for you. This is not good for them or you.
So expect them to come at you again. When they do repeat your request and the consequences un-emotionally. Again be prepared to hang up nicely or walk away to give them time to process and get used to the idea.
Generally, after a few times, they will get that you are serious and this is important to you. And they will start to modify their behavior to keep you in their world.
In a personal relationship: If they don’t change their behavior, you may have to tell them you are taking a break from them for a while.
Tell them clearly how they are draining you and that you love/like/respect them, but you need some time to recover from this drain.
Tell them for how long and under what circumstances they can reconnect with you are or when you will reach out to reconnect with them.
In a working relationship:
If they don’t change their behavior you may have to take the following actions: With clients, one solution is to increase the billing rate for difficult clients. If they want to keep dumping on you and are willing to pay for the service you will be at least paid for the energy you are expending. Emotional support goes above and beyond your general service package. I have done this personally and so have my clients. It works every time. They either pay for the value of what you are giving them, cease the dumping as it’s costly or they take their business somewhere else. In the long run, clients that drain your energy are also usually the ones that complain about the bill. They are class C or D clients and you will do yourself and your staff a favor to let them go if you can’t modify their behavior.
With partners (or staff), first make your request of the offender. Warn them if they don’t change their behavior you will take your complaint to a partners meeting or HR department for it to be handled through a more official channel. Give them sufficient time to change their behavior and if after several conversations and warnings take action and use the more official channels. Again do this when you can be non-emotional and only share the facts of what is happening. Bullying is harassment and as we see in the news these days, should never be allowed as the bully tends not to change on their own.
6. Use Your Voice to Call Others on Boundary Violations Right Away
This is critical. People don’t like to change behaviors that are serving them so you must be firm on what you do. Again do it non-emotionally, repeating your original request and the consequences. Only continue the interaction if they comply. If not, say sorry but I can’t continue this discussion right now and walk away/hang up.
If you are always non-emotional and talk calmly, they can not call you “crazy” “fragile” or “over-sensitive” and they will have to take you seriously.
7. Plan Ahead By Creating Rules for Yourself Where Possible
Outlook has rules for dealing with incoming email so you don’t have to be bothered by certain email you don’t need to see right now. For the same reason, you should have rules for yourself. They help immensely when dealing with dumpers. Setting general rules for yourself will help you identify and stay out of these draining situations earlier. Once you have done the above for a while you will be able to set some of these general rules for yourself.
Rules for yourself might look like this:
- Stop jumping for others. For example: Don’t pick up the phone when you are focused or tired
- Stop the free-for-all caller. For example: Set up times with personal contacts when you will pick up the phone, such as after 6 pm.
- Create blocks of time to reply to emails. For example: Let people know you will reply to emails at 11 am and 4 pm each day. If it’s an emergency, then please call you on your cell.
And if you’re like me and my clients, you are nice and empathetic, so it helps to know that by setting strong boundaries you are actually helping that other person. You are no longer enabling them to have bad behavior which may be affecting their other relationships.
If you want a complete PDF of this series with a helpful Form to complete all 7 Steps you can jump over and download one at http://professionalcoachingcompany.com/tools/
My request to you:
- How did they work for you?
- What didn’t work for you?
- Do you need help completing or implementing the steps?
Sometimes nice people need more support to stand up for themselves. Email me at anita@professionalcoachingcompany.com if you need a sounding board or some courage to actually stand up to that person who is dumping their needs on you. I am here for you. My goal is to make sure nice people get to get their needs met too
This is part 3 of a 3 part series. Click here for part 1 and click here for part 2.